Motherhood 4 years and 4 months on!!!

God this parenting gig takes some energy and even more patience.  I’m soooo tired and in desperate need of a little holiday. 

Marley
Our little boy is now bombarding me with new stuff on a daily basis.  More recently he’s decided he’d like to move out of our place and go live with Macy.  Reverse psychology was a complete failure while working through this little problem. It seems he’s ready to pack his bags and go and if only he could get out of our locked doors he would’ve gone.  He trips me up on my own words over and over and uses a whole new logic that just goes to show how much he is growing up.

Marley’s certainly a singer, dancer and actor… an overall performer I’d say.  Tim and I laugh at how obviously like me he is in this way, it couldn’t have come from anywhere but my side of the family.  I’ve gone back to work and find Marley to be the only child dancing and singing around the room for most of the day.  I got a new insight into our little boy while working with him at creche this week.  He is an obvious leader loving to direct play and coming up with a zillion creative ideas.  A real ideas man who dances to the beat of his own drum is a good summary of who I think Marley is.

Marley and Remy become closer and closer every day and their bond is deeply heartwarming to us.  They really do adore each other equally and are now playing fitfully every day.  The noise level in our house can be difficult to cope with some days with both boys making so much noise.  Marley is quite rough with Remy, jumping at him suddenly and yelling some jibberish into his face.  This DRIVES ME CRAZY but delights Remy no end.  I feel that I’m constantly trying to settle the boys and quiet them somewhat.  Marley’s sudden outbursts as playful as they are really are difficult to take and I’m trying to encourage him to use real words rather than jibberish with Remy telling him it’s his job to teach his baby brother.  Marley tells me daily that Remy’s become a ‘big boy’.  Today he said he was strong and could carry Remy, I told him he’s not allowed to carry his brother but when he’s a big boy with whiskers he can even carry Remy on his shoulders.. ."OH MUMMA, that’d be nice”.  God I laughed at the thought of an 18 yr old Marley trying to put his 15 yr old brother on his shoulders!

Marley’s started to show interest in colouring in and is enjoying his weekly cricket games.  He’s able to swim a few feet unaided and is much more confident in the water.  He’s so excited about starting kindergarten and speaks constantly about when he becomes a big boy ‘with whiskers’.  We have an easier time with him recently but he’s still capable of some pretty nasty tantrums which I hope will become fewer and fewer.  I’m teaching him the words to ‘spider man’ because I can’t bare to hear it another time as a loop of jibberish beginning with the words “Spider man Spider man”.  He shows me his new dances and sings me new songs regularly.  I’m very proud of him.

Remy 11 mths

Rems seems to be becoming quite a joker.  He ADORES his brother and the two of the will be a force to reckon with… or should I say ARE a force to reckon with.  He’s still a fabulous eater but is just a tiny 8.5kgs. (Marley wasn’t big but was 10kg at 10 mths).  Still breast feeding 2-4 times a day but is such a monkey on the breast.  He has very bad breast manners snatching at my bottom lip, ripping my hair, pushing my face, putting his feet to my mouth and wriggling. He pulls off the breast, has bitten me a few times and whacks at my breast.  I seriously wonder why I continue to feed him but the truth is that it’s still something I love to do with him, to have that special bond.  He has 5 (almost 6) teeth now and his top 2 are big and gappy which just make him look that little bit cheekier if that were possible.  He’s very rough with Marley and very rough all around I suppose.  I keep reminding Marley to be gentle with Remy especially because Remy’s learning from Mar but they’re as bad as each other. 

Rems knows stuff now.  He screams in the right spot when i do the crocodile verse of row row row your boat.  He plays catchy with me, he waves bye bye and hello and knows how to dance.  He’s just started taking his first steps almost exactly to the day at the same age as Marley was when he did.  He’s just a beautiful little man who sleeps well self settling with a cup of water and a dummy, eats well and reaches all of his developmental milestones as expected.  He rips his bread before each bite, he grabs for the last morsel of food from his high chair regardless of how long he’s sat seemingly finished.  He plays when he gets into my bed… no more snuggling and that extra little sleep.  He sleeps twice a day and is happy to go to anyone really except for a coy initial response.  He’s walking along all furniture and able to step between spaces.  I can see he’ll be walking properly in no time.

I said to Tim tonight that I still find it hard to believe that we’ve finally got that little baby we’d dreamt of, a sibling for Marley and he is now such a huge personality and presence in our family.  Thank god for my little boys.

Motherhood 4 years and 3 months on!!!

I’m loving this stage with Marley and Rems. They are having so much fun together and are playing more physically with each other every day.  I’ve applied to do some more study next year and have committed to working 2 days a week as well.  I’ll have to wait to see if I get in to my course before I see the time table and know how workable it actually is or isn’t.  The course is the Master of Teaching, Early childhood.  Here’s hoping I get in.  Remy will do 2 days at creche next year. 

Marley 4 years 3 months

He’s back to his normal gorgeous little self and all I can say is “PRAISE THE LORD”!!!  After a truly horrible stage he’s now agreeable, manageable, likable and just plain sweet again.  Marley is fascinated with getting bigger and stronger talking daily about what happens when he’s a ‘bigger boy’.  He is remarking on typical ‘girl’ or ‘boy’ things, even telling a poor little girl on a batman ride she can’t go on it because she’s a girl! YEEKS!!!  He refused to wear a necklace saying “I’m not a girl!!!” and says he only plays with boys at creche (despite his best friend being a girl).  This whole boy/girl thing is to be expected but it’s something I fight in him working hard to be sure he understands that boys and girls are different but that they should be seen as individuals. 

Marley’s very excited about Kinder next year and keeps asking about which school he’s going to go to… still something we’re unsure of.

Marley’s very excited about Christmas and talks about Santa and the reindeer coming.  It’s one I never thought I’d use but yes, I have to admit I’ve used the threat that Santa’s watching more than a few times!  His language is developing so well but he still mixes his sentences up a bit… for example “what time it is?” He uses my techniques and words against me where ever possible telling me ‘are you l i s t e n i n g ???’ He’s also very funny and cheeky with some of the stuff that comes out of his mouth.  More recently I was driving and dropped the “F” bomb and Marley repeated me saying “FOX”.  Tim and I quickly used the opportunity to salvage what we could… “Yes, did you see that fox?”.  Now whenever there’s a car issue he says “fox”. 
He’s very choosey about what he wears now too.  He likes to wear belts and is particular about his shoes, socks.. everything really.  It’s something I encourage, I like him to care about how he presents himself but I don’t want him to be SO fussy or to place so much importance on what he’s wearing.  He has also started to show how his peers influence him by wanting to buy particular sunglasses and shirts because his friends have them. 

Marley is incredibly social, talking to and making friends with kids all over the place.  He has so many friends and generally has a lovely positive energy.  He calls out big hellos to passers by and chats away to children and babies he sees while we shop.  He’s especially good with babies, I suppose he feels confident now that he’s so familiar with babies.  He always offers a special hello and it’s very touching to see.  So sweet.

Remy 10 mths

Rems is walking along the furniture and stands gets around the house at a rapid rate.  He’s so inquisitive and notices any changes and especially any food that’s around.  I daren’t eat anything without first being sure he’s eating.  I am always amazed at his ferocious appetite and the fact that he remains a tiny thing despite it.  He weighs 7780g and is on the 5th percentile. 

He’s started to really show just how much he understands now.  He nips my nose when I say “don’t you bite my nose”, understands who the different family members are and is to say each of our names.  “Remy”, “Mar”, “Mumma” and “Dadda”.  Other words he uses, “ta” and “no”.  He just understands so much now and plays so hard with every resource he has from his brother, toys, parents to whatever he finds on the floor.  He gets into the kitchen cupboards, follows us all over the house and helps explores everywhere!  He entertains himself easily now.  He loves the Fisher Price learning door and his new stacking ball which he manages to stack.  He’s been playing with hats trying to put them on himself.  It’s so cute to watch.  He bangs things together to hear the sounds they make and one of his favorite things to do is to play peek a boo with Marley.  He ends up in absolute fits laughing.  Marley has an inflatable punching bag that Remy tumbles over and bashes.  He’s actually become quite a rough little bub, ripping at our hair, pinching and slapping hard at our faces all the while laughing.  Poor Sandy has Remy’s attention.  He goes after her and pulls himself up to standing against her and uses her as a walker.  She can’t hate it too much because most of the time she’s right there by his side.  Remy has tiny fists of white dog hair and I just thank goodness Sandy is such a placid dog… something I never take for granted though.  I find it more difficult than ever to find time for showers or even to get to the toilet.  I’m very cautious about leaving Rems unattended with either Marley or the dog.  I’m very excited to have Remy’s first christmas coming, this is going to be a wonderful christmas for our family.  How lucky we are.

Motherhood 4 years and 2 months on!!!

Marley 4 yrs 2 months

I just don’t know what to say.  It’s hard to think of all the major developmental changes he’s experiencing when they all seem overshadowed by his crazy roller coaster behaviour. He is both and angel and a devil.  He’s pushing us to our limits and at times I don’t know who this new child is.  I’ve used my quota of sensible strategies and hate to say it but nothing seems to be helping.  He is desperate to be independent, to be a grown up and constantly asks questions about when he’s a ‘bigger boy’.  “Mum” (rather than Mumma and said in a deep voice) ‘when I’m a bigger boy can I have Ben 10?’ or ‘can I cut with a knife?’.  He twists his hand out of mine when I hold his hand to cross the road.  He can be defiant, rude, aggressive and difficult.  His character is so strong and mostly used for good rather than evil but MAN! he can be hard work! I suppose that’s true of most 4 year old’s and I don’t underestimate the impact Remy’s arrival and imposing development has had on Marley.  I keep telling myself things will get easier.  I’m sure they will soon?  In the same breath he delights me with his creative thinking, his determination and his sense of humour which is amazing.  His language is wonderful and he is active!  Marley started cricket a few weeks ago and between that, swimming, mothers group and child care his weeks are very full.  Lately his appetite isn’t very good and his activity level has been higher than ever so that might account for his crankiness. 
Marley and Remy have so much fun together despite my suspicion that Marley’s suffering some jealousy.  He really does love his baby brother so much and gets a lot of joy from Remy’s increased development.  I can see how they’ll play together as Rems gets older. 
My goal for Marley right now is to help him to cope with frustration and anger in a more positive way and my goal for ME is to be sure to give Mar plenty of positive feedback where ever possible, especially in relation to conflict resolution and to allow him some independence considering that’s what he seems to be most wanting right now.

Remy 9 mths

Remy is doing EVERYTHING.  He’s pulling himself up and cruising along the furniture to grab whatever takes his fancy.  He seems to go for everything and anything that I don’t want him to reach and then duly stuffs it into his mouth.  As of the last couple of days he is clapping his hands and waving in an un-co kind of style.  Last night he rested his teeth against my nose and I said ‘ow, don’t you bite my nose!’ and then this morning I said “don;t you bite my nose’ and he laughed and bit my nose! I was VERY surprised by that.  We all had turns at saying ‘don’t bite my nose’ and he responded with little nibbles on the end of each of our noses’.  Later he gave me a couple of little nipple nibbles too! that’s when I decided I shouldn’t encourage him to bite.

Remy’s other new trick is patting his own mouth and saying ‘aghhhh’ as he does so.  That and flipping his spitty lips with his fingers to make a ‘blub blug blug’ kind of sound.  He likes to play little cuddle games… he reaches to be held by someone else and then reaches back to come to me, than reaches back again, all the while smiling at how clever he is.  The other day he swiped Tim’s glasses in one swift ninja move and amazed us all.  He’s standing for 6 seconds at a time, eating like a machine and saying Mar, dadda, bub, ta, and I swear I’ve heard him say Mum but he doesn’t do that often enough for me to be sure.

Rems is greatly fascinated by Sandy and Marley’s clearly jealous as I heard him saying ‘she’s not yours’ to Remy.  Remy thinks overwise and likes to pull Sandy’s ears, tail, actually, whatever he can get his hands on.  Sandy’s just silly enough to stand within reach of Rems.  She sits under the low table we’ve put out for Rem to cruise along and every now and then Remy notices her and chats with her under the table.  His other new interest is pulling my cd’s and dvd’s out of the shelves which just drives me crazy.  He’s started playing with the stereo and turning the volume up and down.  I’ve had to block it all with the coffee table so that i don’t spend my entire day packing away cd’s. 

Physically he’s growing faster, he seems to be fattening up (8kgs now) and is about 73cm tall which is a marked improvement.  I THINK he’s average and I have to say I’m pretty happy about that.  He’s cutting his 3rd tooth, another bottom tooth and is sleeping and feeding really well.  His breast feeds are great right now and his sleeps are solid throughout the nights.  He’s recognizing names and is just such a happy little man.  So long as he’s not tired or hungry he’s wonderful.  I love cuddling him and he gives me the most beautiful cuddles and kisses.  He’s quite a mummy’s boy and is just so lovable.  He’s like holding a little monkey the way he grabs at things.  He likes to push my head around, grabbing my jaw and tilting my head in a rocking motion; he also loves to pull hair!

Motherhood 4 years and 1 month on!!!

My boys are keeping me busy and both of them seem to be changing rapidly.  I barely get an opportunity to do my updates.  I’m constantly checking myself and trying to find a new way to manage the house and life in general with these two monkeys demanding my attention.  It’s like they play off each other to get my attention and my brain energy is so divided that I can easily forget appointments, plans, intentions.  Actually my mind is a swirl of intention.  It’s like my brain is popping up for air in a sea of confusion and those moments where breath comes are moments of clarity and wish lists.  I keep dreaming of a massive message board, wishing of a secret secretary who taps me on the shoulder and says ‘now’s your opportunity to clear the desk… quick do it NOW’, ‘did you want to get those parcels posted? Now’s the time!!’ “you’ve got exactly 26 minutes to pay those bills before Remy gets up!” The questions I most dread are “how much did you spend?”, “what did you do today?” and “What’s for dinner?”.  The weather change is welcome and Remy’s sleeping through the night again and Marley’s coming around to his old self but it has to be easier than this doesn’t it? Do all mums find it this hard? How did my mum manage with 12 children????????  And I’m supposed to find time to exercise in amongst all of this?

Marley 4 yrs 1 month

Marley has been going through some massive changes.  He’s grown 1cm since his first birthday and has surely gone through a testosterone surge during this time with the way he’s been behaving.  He’s been very angry and losing his temper easily.  He’s been tantruming almost daily and has started hitting Tim and I… and staff at the creche.  This is so unlike him and it has had both Tim and I very worried at times and our management style has changed as we’ve experiemented with new approaches.  Ultimately we’ve come back to using the 123 magic parenting approach again, this time with the support of the actual book rather than a summary of.  We’ve had immediate success with this approach and are more aware how seriously it depends on us disengaging verbally and emotionally.  I’d got to the point where I was taking his tantrums personally and that’s so counter productive.  I think he’s also begun to feel a little jealous of Remy as Remy is becoming such a big presence in our life.  He loves and adores his baby brother but I’m sure he is painfully aware of the attention showered on Remy as we go to shops and friends and family gooh and gah over him.  Marley get’s plenty of attention but I’m sure he feels he’s now competing with his brother.  The tantrums have faded dramatically this week and when he’s his normal happy little self, Marley is just divine.  He asks lots of questions about all sorts of issues and engages beautifully with adults.. asking and answering politely greeting people.  He surprises me with his confidence and makes me so proud in his awareness of others.  At this age his peer group are using phrases like ‘you’re not my friend’ and that is one thing I really don’t like.  Marley doesn’t seem to say these things but he’s certainly experienced it.  I’ve taught him to answer ‘That’s okay, I’ve got LOADS of friends’ and to hear him recite that phrase so earnestly really does bring a smile to my face… he does have loads of friends too.  I’m happy to see him coming out the other side of this emotional storm but I’m sure there’re plenty more challenges to come.

Remy 8 mths

Remy’s pulling himself up whenever he can and stands for a couple of seconds.  He’s started crawling along on his belly.  He yells out to Marley in a grunty yell… although yesterday I SWEAR he yelled “Mar”.  He adores his brother but pretty much wants to hang out with me.  He likes me to be close to him but isn’t a keen kisser.  I’m constantly begging him for kisses, but NOPE, he’s harsh.  Remy wriggles, twisting and turning so much that holding him can be uncomfortable.  He’s trouble!  He grabs Marley’s hair whenever he can. 
He’s an EXCELLENT eater and demolishes roast beef sandwiches at an awesome rate.  He cries when he see’s me scraping the sides of the bowl because he associates it with coming to the end of a meal.  He hasn’t refused any food I’ve given him and he’s had a huge variety already.  Breast feeding is going well but his new love of water in his sippy cup seems to have effecting his feeds slightly.  I’m only feeding him 4-5 feeds a day now. 
Rems is just a huge personality who delights us with his gorgeous smile, laugh and cheeky self.  Marley and Remy LOVE each other and connecting so well.

Beautiful memories forever captured

I’ve been wanting to have professional pictures of the children for a while.  I did have some taken of Marley as a baby and they were pretty disappointing, they were studio shots and didn’t capture his essence at all. 
Tim and I saw the Mango photography stand at the Abbotsford independently of each other.  We’d gone in separately to have a look at the market.  Grace’s pictures captured my attention straight way, they were beautiful but I wasn’t in mindset to think about spending money and being far from my ideal weight I didn’t fancy having photos taken either.  Tim had a look around the market and I found him discussing photos with Grace who had already capivated Marley in her boystrous and playful style.  I suppose part of the reason I didn’t look into it myself is because it would take convincing Tim to have them done but it seems that job was already done by the time I saw him.  He handed me a business card and said Grace will call us in a couple of days.. Oh? OKAY!  Let me just say that for us, this is the best way to enter such a project. 

Grace called, she had a really good deal and best of all she wanted to take photographs at the botanical gardens in Melbourne.  It just so happens that the botanical gardens features heavily in Tim and my almost life time relationship with many romantic picnics, cramming for exams, roller blading and walks with the dogs.  more recently our garden adventures have been with the children and so she couldn’t have suggested a nicer more appropriate place for us to have pictures taken.  Grace was very specific about clothing, not using logos and I took along a bag for her to pick through.  She knew what she wanted and had a couple of winner locations that to my eye didn’t look especially special at the time but she seemed to know what she was doing.  I was pretty surprised by a glasshouse she chose to take pictures in and didn’t imagine what she so obviously had in her mind’s eye.  now I’ve been trying to take a nice picture of Marley for quite some time and have had little to no luck with his fast movements and over animated expressions.  I wondered how Grace might go at capturing some nice pics of him.  She really cared about the light, a light that I didn’t even see… she’d say things like ‘ there’s some light’ and to my eye there was no more light than the previous position.  From the moment she met us at the gate she engaged Marley quickly and easily.  She appealed to his sense of wonder and he was interested to know where she was taking us.  The little wooded area was magical for Marley, he was so engaged and seemingly under the spell of Graces camera but without the camera being remotely obvious.  He just had the best time playing with her and exploring the areas we’d been lead to. 

It was Remy’s turn, he was tired and I was unsure about the hat she’d chosen for him.  He didn’t seem to be smiling much and I thought the pics wouldn’t have really been the best considering this.  Next were some family shots, shots I’d been dreading.  I was hoping she’d get us to sit down and I’d get to cover my flabby tummy up with a child or two but NOPE we were standing up in all our glory.  Both Tim and I were 100% certain we wouldn’t like those shots.  In the car I said to Tim that if we didn’t LOVE the pics, if we thought I was able to take any of a similar quality then we wouldn’t buy them.  The day of the photoshoot I had taken some beautiful pictures of Marley having picked up on some of Grace’s techniques but they were NOTHING in comparison to the pictures Grace had taken. 

I knew the pictures would be nice but I really had no idea just how nice.  Both Tim and I sat mesmorized as stunning images of our children flashed across the computer screen one after another , I was more than a little surprised by how keenly Grace had captured the essense of both of our children in shots that showed a real connection between Grace and the children.  How she managed to connect with them so quickly, so effectively and subtly, I just don’t know, but she did and it truly does show in the photos. 

I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you to Grace for capturing such wonderful memories for my children and for making it painfully clear that i am no photographer!

Motherhood 4 years on!!!

Marley 4 years of age!!

Marley’s birthday was a wonderful day, a day spent with family and close friends.  Marley felt so proud to be 4 and to invite his visitors into our home.  He really is a wonderful host Tim made him a ‘Gruffalo’ cake in line with his interest in the story of the ‘Gruffalo’ and Marley was delighted to have actually cut the cake with Tim’s guidance.  Marley got a kids digital camera and fire helmet with speaker that really did make him a happy boy.
Despite Marley’s television viewing being heavily restricted and monitored with a complete ban on violent childhood characters, Marley’s interest in superhero’s seems to have taken on a life of it’s own.  He talks about shows and character’s we’ve never allowed him access to, like Ben 10 and X Men in a way that is more worshipping than anything.  He now has a few favorite male friends from creche and an interest in gun play.  I do believe my little boy is under going a testosterone surge and SURPRISINGLY it’s not all positive! The tantrums continue but he sways between being my absolute gorgeous little angel to some little devil i just don’t know.  His temper seems to be triggered by transitions and losing control of situations, like when it’s time for the tv to go off or to leave a play date.  He’s started hitting and kicking me in the fits of anger but responds well to the 123 magic technique when I use it regularly.  I find it incredibly frustrating to have to stay on his back constantly in order for the 123 method to be effective but as soon as he’s doing well and I feel confident he’s back to his old self and relax the limits slightly, he’s back to devil child again. 
Marley wants to play outside a lot now and loves to sing.  He enjoys dancing and regularly asks if I like this music (musmik) or that music.  He loves Macy and regularly asks if she’s coming for a play.  He greets Remy before me pretty much always now and smothers him in kisses.  He gets a lot of pleasure watching Remy in his development and often points out what Remy’s doing “look Mumma, Remy’s talking to Sandy”.  He greets Remy with a sweet sing song voice “Hello Punkin”. 
Marley’s more a Dadda’s boy then ever before.  He simply adores his Dadda and cries for Tim whenever he hurts himself or is in trouble with me. 
Marley’s insanely sociable and regularly climbs the fence to talk to “Neil” our next door neighbor.  “Neil, look at this Neil he calls out from our hallway as he carries his latest bounty to show off to our sweet neighbor who listens to Marley’s stories over the fence top.  I’m assured they love him and he’s not bothering them LOL.  When he’s not up on the fence he’s up in his cubby calling out to the teenage girls who live across the road.  Marley seems to think that each and every person wants and needs to know about Marley world issues.

Topics of interest to Mar right now include ‘Ned Kelly’, ‘Michael Jackson’ and “Ben 10’.  He loves to cook asking to do so nearly every day and has just started singing my original music… specifically ‘Stop and Go Man’ which just makes me brim with pride.  He’s really started noticing eye color and differences in hair color and talks about ‘like a girl’ or ‘like a boy’.

Marley still has day sleeps or ends up very over tired. He doesn’t always sleep but it’s better all round if he does.  He’s frustrating at meal times getting off his chair too many times and is just sooooo playful, more playful than I have energy.  We’re reading ‘The enchanted Wood’ one chapter a day and he’s loving it (so am I).

Remy 7 months old

Remy’s sitting, eating 4 meals a day, says bub, dad and blows big spitty bubbles.  He giggles at Marley and is able to pull himself up onto my lap from the floor.  He shuffles on his back and sleeps all night no longer needing a dream feed.
He breast feeds 3-4 hrly, sometimes more often and I could’nt say what his favorite food is because he eats everything with the same enthusiasm.  Regardless of how full his bowl is, he cries as I scrape for the final mouthfuls and more recently refuses to hold the spoon as if in complete denial that the meal is over.  In the end he always ends up with the spoon in his mouth and tears in his eyes. 
He’s eating tuna, pasta, schnitzel, pretty much anything I give him.  He has 2 gorgeous little bottom teeth and is wearing size 00-0.

At nappy changes he’s a crazy kicker and gives such cheeky little grins as he grunts out his double barreled kicks.  He is super super super cute and very cheeky to play with at change times.  He sits up in the bath now and also enjoys lying front down or on his back in the shallow water.  This same exercise might be the cause of his first ear infection from which he presently suffers.

Remy is much more clingy now and is certainly a Mumma’s boy.  He looks for me and reaches for me but isn’t afraid to go to others.  He loves being in his walker and makes short work of dismantling the stacks of magazines and moves so quickly and reaches so intently that I’m sure he’s going to catch me out soon, make it to empty the dishwasher before me, pull my lap top off the bench, something like that.  God help us!!

Motherhood 3 years 11 months on…

Marley, his last month as a 3 year old
I think he’s been having one last ditched attempt to throw the tantrum of the year, his tantrums have become out of control and very unlike him.  He’s really upset me these last few weeks but with using the 123 Magic strategy, he’s really turned the corner and is back to and even better than his old self.  He’s suddenly reasonable, understanding, calm, completely the opposite to how he has been behaving just recently.  He’s had some changes to deal with.  Remy is now showing an interest in his toys and his presence is far more obvious to Marley now and the other big change has been that he’s moved up to the Kinder room at creche.  I keep saying that he’s almost 4 and he seems to have responded by reverting back to baby hood and completely losing the plot.
Marley had his first snow and skiing experience this month.  I felt so proud to see him on ski’s and it has been something I’ve looked forward to since first finding out I was pregnant with him during my snow holiday in the Italian Alps.  It’s only right that our little ‘Snowy’ should take to skiing at an early age.
Marley’s had some huge intellectual growth this month.  He recites the book “Gruffalo” and often tells us the time… or asks the time.  He knows the O’clock times and keeps asking for more information about the times other than half past and O’Clock, I just don’t want to complicate things and keep saying ‘it’s a bit past’ or ‘it’s almost’…
He loves his home and his family, he adores his baby brother and feels so proud as he makes Remy laugh.  It’s the most beautiful sight to me.  Tim said that Marley was telling Remy the Gruffalo story the other day and said it was golden.  I’m sorry to have missed it. 
Marley makes me laugh and giggle constantly.  We have in jokes and his sense of humur really is so good.  He wrote his first word (other than his name) the other day, it’s was ‘NO’.  He told me N O spells NO, look Mumma, and yep, that’s exactly what it spelt… so appropriate. 
He’s a strong personality, self assured, determined, cuddly, tallish, handsome, lovable, generous, funny and musical.  I just love him SO much.  I think that’s why it’s been so particularly hard for me to watch this change in him as his tantrums had progressed to even hitting us! He’s never done that and it’s always been a complete no no.  He is a much happier boy now since we’ve started the 123 technique.

Remy’s 6 months old!
Our little man is a delight.  He’s so cheeky and grabby.  He is making me fall more and more in love with him which I feel silly saying, but it’s true.  I feel like I’ve got a crush on him, it’s that all encompassing love that has you constantly thinking of your new love.  The beauty is that it in no way impinges on my love for Marley.  My relationship with each child is so unique and special that I don’t feel the guilt I had imagined I might feel.  Remy has started saying ‘bub’ and is sitting and eating 3 meals a day greeting each mouthful excitedly.  He LOVES his food and loves life.  He’s such a happy little man, he sleeps through the nights, has 3 sleeps a day, laughs and smiles easily, doesn’t fuss or bother too much with transitions and is easily transportable.  I just thank god each and every day for my boys, I love to see how Remy impacts Marley’s life and I can see they’re just going to have so much fun together… this is just what I had dreamed of and there’s not a day goes by that I don’t know how lucky we are.  Remy is recognizing people now and certainly favors being held by me, although he’s more than happy to go to his dad who he adores.  He loves baths and food, he is still breast feeding so well which is a huge relief for me considering Marley was completely refusing the breast at this point.  He just has to hold everything and magically reaches and grabs things at the speed of light.  He is a menace at the computer and desperately wants what he can’t have.  He sleeps with his Sunny bear and blanket and now reaches lovingly toward his bear.  He grabs his feet, pokes his tongue out to the right side of his mouth and almost always pooh’s when I go to change his nappy… so much so that I’m considering using the potty to sit him on during nappy changes to save on nappies.
He scoots around in his baby walker now and pulls magazines and dvd’s off the shelves.  His pram is upright and he uses the jolly jumper of an afternoon while I cook.  He had his first swing in the outside swing and weighs a whopping 6.2kgs (tiny) thus earning him the nickname ‘fatty’.
Rems has a dream feed at 11pm and sleeps through until 6.30 or 7.30am before waking and often just playing happily.  He’s a lovely little man and I am just having so much fun with him.

Motherhood 3 years 10 months on…

Marley 3 years 10 months
Tim had to buy some new boots for Marley the other day.  He called me from Kmart asking what size to get him.  ‘Size 11 should do’ I told him.  He held those boots doubtfully thinking they’d be huge for Marley and showed them to me when he got home, yep, they’re massive but surprisingly they fit Marley perfectly.  Our first born baby boy is growing rapidly.  The boots were a reminder to me of the silent growing that’s been going on inside his head.  We often assume he’s too little to understand or to be responsible or accountable for things; it’s easy to forget the rapid but hidden growth of their brains.  They only show us what they want us to see.  It’s not like a shoe size which is obvious and impossible to go backward, who would ever squeeze their child’s size 11 foot into a size 9 shoe?  Yet because we don’t see the physical growth of their brains we can easily assume they’re still little babies and let them get away with a little too much.  Marley loves to be babied where ever possible.  If I were willing, he’d happily let me dress and feed him.  He would choose to sleep with me and be well and truly babied.  I constantly battle between wanting him to feel that he is and will always be my baby, providing the depth of nurturing and love equal to that which a tiny baby (Remy) would expect and helping him to grow to be independent.  He is independent and is capable but he definitely tries to play both Tim and I where ever possible.

Marley needs limits, encouragement, expectations and to be challenged both mentally and physically.  He’s constantly looking for new physical challenges and is covered in bruises.  He has favorite friendships and his memory is excellent.  He converts most of everything he see’s on television into dramatic play as he takes on characters and can be incredibly single minded when he plays this way.  I often find the only way I can break into his world of make believe is to become a part of it by becoming a character myself.  This can be so frustrating at times because it means that everything involves a process.  I could ask him how his day was and get very little response but if I ask him in a robot voice or as the ‘moon’ or as the ‘sun’ speaking to him, all of the sudden I get answers.  He sings a lot, makes up songs and has tunes in his head all day long.  Most of Marley’s closest friendships are with girls.  He’s a gentle but active child and his interest in characters is probably more in tune with the way his female friends play.  The other day he had Macy over to play and they played “Grandma and babies"… you can guess who the baby was He’s a funny little man.  Another funny thing he said recently was when I threatened to put the beach ball on the fridge, he was ‘but Mumma, it won’t fit up there” and of course he was right.  Cheeky!

Marley is very very affectionate giving both Tim and I lovely long snuggly cuddles which he has promised to always give us.  He’d better!  The other day he was lying behind me on the couch and the cheeky boy slotted his feet into my pants lodging his feet down so firmly into my pants that I couldn’t get him out of there.  He was laughing hysterically, actually, we both were.  He’s so cheeky and funny, he does cheeky things like licks my face or when Tim bends down to check the oven Marley sticks a finger into the top part of Tim’s bum crack making me laugh and Tim cringe… thankfully that’s not a habit that’s travelled outside the home as far as we know!

Marley gets great joy from Remy.  He speaks to him just as I do, gently and nurturing, playfully calling him ‘fatty’ and responding “Really?” to Remy’s chatter.  He loves to make Remy smile and I love to see their relationship blossom the way that it has been.  It’s obvious that they adore each other.  Marley often interupts his dinner saying “I need to say hello to Remy” to which I respond “No you don’t, you need to eat your dinner!” He lies alongside Rems chatting to him, holding his hands, tickling and kissing him.  He get’s a special Remy expression when he talks to his brother.. he holds his bottom lip up over his top lip in a way that’s just especially for his brother and it’s kind of strange looking so makes taking nice pics of the two of them a little difficult at times. 

Remy at 5 months
Rems is a beautiful beautiful little man and I can’t believe there was a time he wasn’t in our lives.  He’s adorable and the picture of health.  He’s tiny (off the scales kind of tiny) not yet cracking the 6kg mark but is active and healthy, bright and cheerful.  We’ve started feeding him solids and after a very bumpy month sleep wise, he’s responding well to his latest routine.  I think the reason he’s so small is because he lost weight when he was sick and he has increased his energy expenditure making it hard to keep up the calories and weight gain as he’s tried to catch up on lost weight.  A couple of weeks ago we decided to stop the use of the dummy altogether.  He was waking in the night each time his dummy fell out and so we had to put a stop to that.  It’s been a really hard few weeks but we’ve make great progress with his sleeping through the night most nights over the past week. 

It’s as though Remy’s just noticed Marley and is prepared to interact with him.  Remy has been a little stone faced while Marley has tried to make him smile in the past but now Marley is the greatest thing since boobies were invented!  They are really bonding so well.  They enjoy baths together at night now with Remy just fitting into his big boy upright bath seat....  He’s able to sit now for short periods and has recently started using the baby walker.  Actually, there have been lots of changes for Rems, he’s moved into his own bedroom, given up the dummy and night feeds, using the baby walker, drinks water from a sippy cup, now sits in a high chair, eats solids and has had his push chair converted to sitting position.  What a lot for a little baby to keep up with!  He LOVES to eat.  So far he’s had avocado, carrot, apple and banana with rice cereal and formula.  He also has started to have a small bottle of formula during the 11pm dream feed.  Having given up the dummy seems to have made him a feeder at the breast.  He’s been taking all of his sucking frustrations out of my nipples which is only right.

Remy’s started blowing bubbles and grabs my face to give kisses.  He is chewing on anything and everything and I suspect he’s teething.  I saw blood in his mouth the other day and it was clear he was in pain as he chewed his fist.  He went off the breast for a little while about a month ago but as I say, giving up the dummy has really improved things dramatically.  So far the introduction of the nightly formula hasn’t had any negative impact on his breast feeds so I’m very pleased about this.

Rems smiles often, he gives lovely flirtatious smirks and is happy to go to anyone really.  He grabs furiously at whatever he can reach and most things end up in his mouth.  He watches me eat and despite having a full tummy cries for more food.  He almost always cries at the last spoonful of his ‘bowl’ (not tablespoon) of food and is seemingly an endless pit.  He’s getting to be more and more fun.  He self settles now at sleep time using a fluffy sleep blanket toy thingy and his Sunny bear.  He usually sleeps with the blanket thing over his face.  He went through a period over the past couple of weeks of shrieking and I don’t mean happy shrieking.  The shrieking seems to have passed now thankfully but MAN! that was hard!  He’s practicing with his vocal cords and is very vocal indeed.  He’s also more aware of what goes on around him now too.  Remy often cries when he see’s me leave the room and can swap between tearful shrieks to joyful babbling and chatter within moments.  He’s a beautiful little man and I love getting to know our littlest man.

Motherhood 3 years 9 months on…

Marley 3 years 9 months
He’s hilarious, that’s the plain and simple truth.  He has Tim and I giving each other sneaky looks of shock, horror, surprise and pride.  I think he belongs on a stage, seriously, he’s just such a little performer.  With his expanding vocabularly comes new delights daily.  He is so engaging and full of positive energy, we just adore him through and through.  Someone on TV described a colleague as having a Jesus beard, 2 minutes later Marley chimed in saying ‘That man has a Jesus beard’! God did we laugh!! 
In the space of 4 minutes as we drove between a couple of sets of lights he managed to learn our home phone number and when I reiterated it back at him he said “I’m so proud of you Mumma!!” Very patronizing indeed coming from a 3 year old.
I pretend to be scared of his make believe dragon or crocodile or what ever it may be and he says, ‘don’t worry Mumma, it’s just pretend’.  He truly is a beautiful boy.  I’m literally just sitting here shaking my head when I think of how sweet he is.  He makes us so proud.
I’ve continued telling him “Marvelous Maloo” stories which he adores.  He asks for them every night and I’m more than happy to engage in these story telling sessions.  He does quite a lot of the story telling himself now also. 
Marely lives in a world of make believe and takes it for granted that I know exactly what he means when he sets out for his new adventures.  I sometimes worry that he’s over involved in his dramatic play, especially when I find I can only get a response from him when I call him one of his character names like ‘Fireman Sam?, would you please put your knickers on?’ I’ve had to resort to getting “Grandpa in my pocket” into the scenarios to help him get dressed and it works.  Hmmmm.  He’s now using my own words on me too..."Mumma, you’re not listening to me!!” I tell him he needs to go to his room because he’s not listening and he’s yell at me in a loud voice “I need to LISTEN” to which I reply “yes you do!” He really is such a funny and cheeky boy.
Marley cuddles me saying “Mine beautiful girl” or more recently he’s said “You’re the prettiest girl I know”.  He comes to me announcing “Mumma, I got a surprise for you.  He opens his hands as if to open an imaginary treasure chest and says ‘It’s a beautiful necklace” or “It’s a CAR!” Actually, it could be anything really and he does like his surprises.
Marley has become far more attached to Remy recently.  I suppose he’s getting more out of him and now he just adores him.  He spends a lot of time playing with Rems and trying to make him laugh.  He speaks to him exactly how I do and one of his favorite things to do is to suck on Remy’s hands or feet.  He also likes to unbutton his clothes and take his socks off whenever my back is turned.  It’s a beautiful relationship that I’m loving watch develop.

Marley uses the computer now pretty much every day.  He is able to get on to the internet and find his favorite sites and games.  We’ve had to put a password on the computer to stop him accessing the net without our knowledge.  It’s working well and I try to limit Marley’s use.  I’d hate for him to end up being an indoors child when I feel that outdoor play is very important too.  OH and he’s FINALLY able to pronounce SP ... a little too late for Baby Sparky who was referred to as baby Farky for the entire pregnancy.

I’m sure there’s much more to say about our biggest boy, He’s sneaking into our bed every few nights, I suppose he could feel left out when you consider Remy sleeps in our room every night.  He doesn’t seem jealous of his brother, he’s very confident in his own position in the family which is very nice.  He’s still loving creche thankfully.

Remy at 4months
Remy spent 3 nights in hospital at the start of the month… he was very sick with bronchialitis and ended up needing oxygen.  It was very frightening but also a wonderful opportunity for me to spend some one on one time with him in hospital.  Despite being a very sick little baby he had a huge learning spurt in hospital.  He learned to take his dummy out of his mouth and replace it again.  He started grabbing at toys and was generally much more responsive.  He has got to the point now where he is able to bear his weight standing as you hold his hands.  He’s such a strong little man.
Remy watches out for Marley and gives him lovely big smiles.  He’s very very cheeky on the breast, often looking up at me grinning with a mouthful of milk half way through his feed.... I just can’t help but smile
Remy chats and squeals and plays very actively now.  He is happy to lie awake in his crib playing and chatting rather than needing to be held straight away.  He does however like to be held a lot!  He loves to snuggle and to take pride of place on my lap but can get quite cranky when I put him on the floor for a play.  His night sleeps have taken a backward step since hospital and one going bouts of croup.  He only managed to put on 60g in the last month so I’m happy to feed him in the night if he needs it.  Hopefully he’s putting on weight again now and I’ll start getting my long nights of sleep back again… that’d be lovely!
He is an adorable baby, very very easy to love.  I could spend hours just staring into his eyes, holding his baby hands, letting him grab my fingers as he pushes my hand back and forth.  His eyes sparkle making our nickname “Sparky” so appropriate.  He’s a gem, a beautiful and cheeky little man who’s just so happy.  How lucky we are.

Motherhood 3 years 8 months on…

Marley 3 years 8 months

Cheeky, pushing boundaries, kind, loving, funny, full of fun, love and life.  He’s learning about time schedules.  He’s learning days of the week, blocks of time “in 5 minutes...” We’re using a timer to help him to finish activities without a fuss and thankfully it’s working.  He’s not great at following instructions, he’s much happier to ‘go with the flow’ and he likes that flow to be dictated by him.  He’s slowly learning, through really strict boundaries and expectations, that he really has to go through us before he gets what he wants and that this requires something of him, nice tone, good manners and listening.  Actually he mostly is perfect with his manners, his tone can be both delighful and awful but it’s improving.
Marley has become interested in all things technical.  He uses our damaged digital camera to take pictures and doesn’t do a half bad job either.  He has also started using the internet.  I know that sounds crazy but he plays on the ABC site and is now able to turn the computer on and navigate his way to the net and to the bookmarked children’s pages of his choice.  We’ve had to put a password on the computer so that he only goes on when we allow him to, ie.  when we can watch what he’s doing. The other morning we woke to hear the computer starting up, heard him walk to the bathroom, toilet flush and footsteps back to the computer.  What ever happened to climbing into bed with mum and dad for a cuddle?

Remy 3 months on

Remy’s made huge progress with sleeping through the night.  He has the odd wake in the night every now and then but mostly sleeps through as much as 9 hours at a time.  He notices when I leave his line of vision and protests loudly, preferring at times not to be held by strangers.  We’ve come to realize that he pulls his head tightly to his right and often appears stiff and uncomfortable during feeds bending backwards crying.  We got a referral to the physio and apparently he has torticolis of the neck causing the muscles in his neck to shorten and lengthen unevenly.  We’re doing exercises with him to reverse this problem and it’s already working.  It’s usually caused by baby’s head position in the womb being a little odd.  Thankfully it’s something that we can easily fix and as I say, it already seems to be improving.  He’s poohing less and smiling more.  He’s easy to engage and is oh so cuddly! He smiles at his Dadda, his face really just lights up when Tim gets home from work and says hello.  He’s batting more at toys now and can play alone for 15 minutes without crying.  Feeding has become easier and he’s now taking both breasts each feed, usually up to 5 minutes a side.

Me?
Life’s changed fairly dramatically I’d say.  I have good and bad days as I learn to juggle two children.  I’ve had to find a special time and level for Marley and I to share one on one.  I always call him baby and shower him with kisses and cuddles but as important as that is, he desperately needs his boundaries maintained otherwise he goes a little feral.  My boys fill me with such love and pride.  Tim and I both just smile from ear to ear as we watch Marley develop in leaps and bounds and Remy’s little personality start to show through.  We’re very happy.  I spend a lot of time thinking about my future, if we’ll have more children, if I’ll ever have my body back, if I’ll ever perform again on stage.  I wonder if I’ll come up with some clever money making idea that will allow both Tim and I to work and parent from home.  That would be our dream come true but I can’t help but think that we’d find it hard to stay focused as we’re such a bad influence on eachother.  We’d end up eating loads of chips and chocolate and playing… I suppose that’s not such a bad thing

Motherhood 3 yrs 7 months on

Marley 3 years 7 months

Marley’s world has been turned upside down and he’s responding appropriately.  He’s argues with us, asserts his wants and needs in an aggressive manner yelling at both his dadda and myself.  He’s picking up new words and expressions like “How DARE you?"every day and practises them on us which can be very provocative, especially when I’m so incredibly tired.  Marley’s absolute favorite form of play is fantasy which usually involves him taking on a pseudo psycho persona which allows him to run amok.  Despite all of this he’s still beautifully cuddly and charming.  He delights me with stories and songs and is becoming increasingly independent.  It’s been a bumpy month for us I’d say.

Remy 2 months old

It’s as though a veil has lifted.  Remy’s eye lock on mine and he smiles.  He is able to get his hand to his mouth, kicks wildly and grins as he coo’s at me. He has continued to roll from his front to his back and is growing rapidly.  He feeds every 2-3 hrs with this last week changing to regular 2 hourly feeds.  He’s waking more at night now.  After beginning to stretch his sleeps to almost 4 hours, he’s now back to waking 2-3 hourly in the nights leading me to believe he might be about to have a growth spurt.  I can’t say whether he’s an easy or a difficult baby at this point, he just changes too quickly.
I’m incredibly tired and worn thin between feeds and disciplining Marley. 

Motherhood 3 yrs & 6 mths on!

My beautiful boys.

Marley 3 years 6 months

The best word to describe Marley would be charismatic.  He bounds into creche dripping with confidence and announces “Marley’s here” as he holds his arms outstretched.  He has many friends and is obviously adored by the staff.  He’s funny and charming and very cheeky using exaggerated facial expressions to draw attention.  His speech is polite and he has impeccable manners as he speaks to his peers and to adults. “I’m berry well tank you”.  What I think contributes to his charm is the direct and confident eye contact he makes with whomever it is he speaks.  I smile with pride as I watch my little boy bounding with positive energy.  He’s such a beautiful soft and gentle soul and we just adore him with all of our hearts. 
He sings the alphabet but sometimes sings “A B C D F AND G” instead of “E F G” which of course makes us smile.  I find it near impossible to give a clear impression of Marley in this snap shot… he just amazes us with his outgoing and positive attitude.  Now on the flip side, he’s been really challenging us more recently, both before and especially since Remy’s arrival.  He adores his brother smothering him with kisses and cuddles and is very helpful to me running to get nappies.  He listens to Tim and I as we comfort Remy and uses the same cues, it’s funny to hear Marley comforting Remy with “Baa ba ba” and rubbing his tiny feet when he’s upset, BUT, he really has been pushing the limits as of late.  He goes through stages, one day he’s super sweet and just couldn’t be an easier child and the next he takes on one of his hero personalities that he’s been playing with recently and becomes very difficult.  He watches ABC in the mornings and loves “Sportacus” from “Lazy Town” and randomly becomes Sportacus.  His behaviour is at it’s worst when he becomes “Cookie Monster”.  I say, “Marley, you’re not listening!” and he replies “I’m not Marley I’m Cookie Monster” as if that explains and justifies the behaviour.  Yes, I’d have to say his over active imagination contributes to some pretty poor behaviours on some days. 
His eyes are blood shot lately, I suspect that Remy’s midnight cries are effecting his sleep too.  He still has his afternoon sleeps thankfully, usually just an hour or so but he certainly still needs it, and so do I.  Marley loves nothing better than to play alongside his ‘friend’ of choice.... this could be an adult or child.  He just loves engaging others and particularly likes to “host” the party should we have visitors.  He happily shows visitors around the house and shares his toys but is disappointed if playmates don’t engage in activities he chooses… for example, if he wants to play with the Dr’s set and his friend doesn’t engage in that activity, he will actively try to encourage them and it all ends in disappointment in the form of tears should an adult have to intervene.  I can see that Marley’s going to love it as Remy gets big enough to play with him, especially when Remy is able to laugh at him.  So much to enjoy and look forward to.

Remy 4 Weeks on
Remy’s given a couple of little smiles but they’re very hard to get out of him! His eyes are so bright and alert.  He loves to suck his hands and is such a strong baby!  He rolled at 4 days of age from his stomach to his back and this was caught on video at 6 days of age.  He rolls over this same way pretty much every time I place him on his tummy.  He’s getting chubby now although he’s still only on the 25th percentile.  At 4 weeks 2 days he weighs 3855g and was 53.5cm in length.  He’s such a good feeder, very efficient and getting quicker all the time.  He’s feeding every 2-3 hours including night feeds and I’m ready to start thinking about getting him into a routine of sorts to help to lengthen his/our night sleeps. 
For me being a new mum has been much more difficult this time around.  Remy is essentially a very easy baby, easy in every way, especially easy to love; but having two children really does involve quite some juggling which my brain is simply unable to do at this time, I’m just sooooo tired and am barely able to get in the shower let alone shave my legs or get time online.  It’s difficult.  I’m shocked by how obviously my brain and thought processes have been effected by this life change.  Reading Marley’s journal I find that he was sleeping 6-8 hours at night by this point so it’s no surprise that I’m feeling more exhausted this time.  Remy snuggles into me so wonderfully.  He smells yummy, feels soft and beautiful and can make me laugh out loud in the middle of the night when I’m thoroughly exhausted and his eyes are as wide and bright as a possum’s.  He reminds me of a possum by the way he grips onto me and hungrily scrambles to find a nipple, clawing me with his every growing sharp little finger nails in the process.  He grunts angrily if I offer him my breast without the nipple shield he’s come to expect and pushes his face deep into my breast rooting for the last drops of milk while his stomach is obviously aching with wind or over-full pains.  He bashes, pushes, growls and grunts like a wild animal, he draws at the breast like a smoker who’s been without a cigarette for too long.  He drags his nails across my nipples in the fight to get his own fist into his mouth, knocking my milk filled nipple shield flying.  He finishes each and every feed with milk dripping from his mouth and in a drugged like state with a very full belly.  He loves the booby and doesn’t like to wait.  He’s such a ferocious feeder.  Luckily my milk supply is very good but my nipples do cop a beating from time to time.  He knows me, he likes to be held and much prefers to sleep in my bed than in his bassinet.  He HATES being swaddled and will grunt and kick his way out of his blankets where ever possible.  He loves looking at new things, loves going into rooms he’s not familiar with and just staring at everything.  He turns to our voices now and kicks wildly before crying if he wants to be picked up.  He mostly expects milk from me and is often better settled by Tim than me.
He’s a yummy little man who’s fattening up beautifully.  His eyes seem to be so much more alert and seem to be getting brighter, making a clear connection with me.  I can’t get smiles out of him easily, the only smiles I’ve received are when I’ve kissed him repeatedly on the lips and said “kisses” in a sing song voice to him.  I can’t kiss my baby enough.  He’s so beautiful. Tim’s got one more week left at home.

Remy’s birth story.

Part One… written a week after the event.

This time last week I was trying to contain my excitement and surprise as I kept glancing up at the digital clock to check how far apart my contractions were.  The contractions were much stronger than any I’d had to this point but I was still fairly convinced that our baby wasn’t going to come for at least another week and that these contractions were just sent to test me.  Having already had a false start the week before, I wasn’t about to be fooled again. 

The labour pains woke me properly from 1:00 am and I tried to ignore them.  At 2am I checked for signs of a show and found nothing; more confirmation that this was just a tease, a trap that I refused to be drawn into.  I turned on the computer and made a note of events in my journal.  3am I took panadeine forte grabbed a hotty and went back to bed hoping to sleep for the next couple of hours.  The contractions intensified and I remember saying to Tim around 4am that he should sleep in the spare room because I still wasn’t entirely convinced that these pains wouldn’t just disappear despite their strength and the fact that they were now coming every 10-15 minutes. Tim reheated my hotty which was wonderfully soothing on my back but by 5am I needed to get in the bath. 

My contractions stepped up a notch in pace and pain but the water was soothing.  My fears were now constant.  Fear that the contractions would stop and fearing the arrival of the next one.  I told Tim to ring Maria and then said to call the hospital.  A midwife said to see how I go over the next hour if I was already comfortable in the bath – no problems, except that in the next 10 minutes I had 3 contractions and things were obviously moving along fairly quickly. 

Tim rang the hospital again to tell them we were coming in.  By the time Maria arrived, it must’ve been 5:30am, the contractions were coming every 1-2 minutes and were much more intense.  I started to cry when I saw Maria.  She could see this was the real deal and helped me as I dressed for the hospital.  My beautiful friend, I just love her so much.  We left the house excited in the knowledge this baby was coming and that I’d done so well to stay at home as long as I had already.  I felt so proud of myself and how I’d managed the pain so far. 

Part Two… written 10 days after the birth.

Tim had to endure my cries and screams in the car in between completely lucid and even jovial moments as we drove to the hospital and the contractions got stronger.  As we arrived Tim paused politely to let a pedestrian walk across the road despite there not being a green man… I just said ‘I hope you’re not stopping for that man! You’d better not be stopping for a stranger who’s not in labour!!!’, he drove through and pulled up.  I got out of the car just as another contraction hit and had to stand on the footpath bracing myself against the pain, embarrassed that hospital car park staff who were having their cigarette’s nearby were watching me as I howled.  In the emergency room they didn’t wait long before buzzing me through and the contractions were so quick now that I was barely able to catch my breath.  It was horrible to say the least but I felt really so good about my progress and how well I’d managed the pain up to this point.  It was all perfect, Marley was unaware of my pain as he slept soundly, Maria had arrived quickly and I didn’t disturb her in the middle of the night, I’d spent time in the bath which was a part of my plan and Tim was home and by my side when I went into labour and I was now at the hospital.  This though is where it soon started too go wrong for me.

I was put in a wheel chair and wheeled straight up to the birth suite. The midwife who took me up made some comment about hoping a contraction would come on so that the staff would see I was in labour, I wasn’t worried about that, I was quickly becoming more fearful that I’d contract rather than fearful it’d all stop.  The pain was in my back and in my hips and I knew it was because Sparky was in a posterior position.  In my research and reading as I tried to prepare myself for the birth, at the end of the ‘Birth Skills by Juju Sundin’ book, she’d devoted a whole chapter to posterior positions and pain.  All the way through the book it talks about embracing the pain as ‘good pain’ and that it’s the uterus contracting and the cervix opening and to use a variety of skills to manage the pain and to help to get your head around it.  I really devoted a lot of my mind energy to this book and with the last chapter, it pretty much said that the pain of a posterior birth is ‘bad pain’ and should be approached differently because it’s pain that comes when something’s not quite right.  Well, with that mindset, I’d taken in loads of props to help me manage the pain but wasn’t able to deal with the ‘bad pain’.  The first thing Tim did in the birth suite was stick up my affirmations on the wall.

The midwife gave me gas and air, I went to the loo, no sign of a show which I was surprised and disappointed by.  I felt more comfortable on the loo, just the same as when I was labouring with Marley. I was able to joke happily, I was excited between contractions at that point.  As I sucked on gas and air Tim helped me a lot by counting me through the contractions, he’d somehow landed at a great pace to help me rock with his counting and kept me on a mental path that the contraction would soon be over. I glanced up at my affirmations, nothing, no inspiration what so ever, the pain was getting worse still. I remembered labouring with Marley and how much Tim’s hand on my back soothed me and that at one point in the shower the water had felt like it had scalded my back suddenly; well, now I felt that Tim’s hand was going from soothing to scalding me and I just didn’t know if I wanted him to touch me or not.  Soon I was strapped up to a monitor which I wore for the remainder of the labour.  I was yet to be examined internally and that’s where it really went bad for me.  The midwife announced that I was just 2cm dilated and I nearly fainted.  I had asked the midwife previously how dilated she guessed I’d be and she said 5cm, another midwife said 7cm.  I was so very upset by that and simply couldn’t understand how I could be contracting so hard, regularly and painfully and have only got to 2cm.  It was so hard to take, thinking of it makes me cry.  I sucked at the gas and air which I’d felt so helpful in Marley’s birth but because I’d started to panic I wasn’t breathing it all the way through the contractions and it was ineffective.  I had my stress balls which I used, I stamped my feet, tried to get into good positions to encourage baby to move, I used my breathing, I visualised, I vocalised beyond belief and in the end it felt like someone was holding buckets of hot oil and throwing them over my back and hips and even that thought caused me to feel guilty as I started to think about the burning victims of the bush fires.  It was horrible.  I couldn’t find any relief between contractions because I was so fearful of the next one, I just felt like I wanted to run away and die and there was no one who could or would help me.  I asked for (no I demanded) an epidural over and over again.  The Ob came in soon and examined me again saying I’m barely 3cm and that he won’t give me an epidural because if I have one, the labour won’t progress.  I kept saying “I can’t do this!!” and my midwife was saying “yes you can” but I felt she wasn’t hearing me, I honestly COULDN’T do it, so each time she said that I was more irritated. I knew I had miles to go and that the intensity would only increase and my cries were becoming screams of terror that just remembering brings tears to my eyes.

A shift change bought with it a midwife who was able to calm me.  She spoke to me very gently and soothed me through telling me I had to breath the gas and air all the way through the contraction for it to be effective.  It helped a bit but not for long.  She just bought me down to a calmer level though and made me focus on my breathing.  God it was hard.  I kept thinking about Sparky’s position.  In between contractions I’d ask ‘what position will help move the baby?’ and the other midwife kept saying ‘Don’t worry about the baby’s position, just deal with the contractions as they come’.  It didn’t make sense to me.  I felt that if I had an epidural it’d help me to relax and baby would have a better chance of turning and I was dumbfounded that they were saying no to my request for an epidural, I felt that he was making me choose, either suffer the pain or have a CS.  I felt like he wanted me to VBAC.  At this point I still wanted the choice.  I was frustrated, fearful, and almost delirious with the pain.  I couldn’t argue my case.  I didn’t understand why an epidural was out of the question.  He gave me pethadine, the injection hit a tiny vein and caused a huge bruise which the midwife apologised for, I couldn’t have cared less.  The pethadine did nothing to help me and I kept begging for an epidural. 

Sparky was going into distress now and I wanted to push.  The midwife kept telling me not to push but it was near impossible not to.  This is another effect of the posterior position as baby’s head pushes on the back and bowel.  The Ob suspected Remy had the cord wrapped around his body and his heart rate was dropping dramatically, unable to recover between contractions as they were coming so fast.  He kept saying to me that he was much more worried about the baby at this point and somehow that didn’t worry me too much, I don’t know why, I suppose I felt so distressed already and I thought if he were that worried he’d whip me off for a C. Section.  Throughout my next contractions instead of asking for an epidural I was asking for a caesarian by mistake...mixing my words.  A couple of contractions later I turned pleadingly to Tim asking him to tell them I want a C. Section, he asked if I was sure that’s what I wanted “YES!!!” “NOW!!!!!!!!!” The Ob said he felt that it was the right decision and that he was about to tell me that’s what we ought to do based on the fact that my contractions weren’t allowing Remy to recover and he was worried about the baby being in distress.  He was standing at the foot of my bed telling me I’d done a great job and that I shouldn’t let the fact it’s resulting in a C.Section upset me....all the while I was just thinking ‘GET ON WITH IT!!! NOW!!! YES YES YES, SHUT UP, BLOCK THIS PAIN’.  They first gave me something to slow my contractions so that Remy could recover.  That was very much appreciated but it didn’t last long enough.  I kept asking, nagging, begging for the spinal block.  Asking for the anaesthetist, wanting to know if he/she was coming.  I was told that it’d all take place in the theatre.  I began asking when we were going to theatre.  The contractions were coming more intensely again.  They gave Tim some theatre garb and that lightened my heart, I knew it wouldn’t be long now.  They slid me across to the theatre bed, another wonderful sign the pain would stop soon.  It all seemed to take forever.  The hospital staff were all fantastic, they were lovely and I felt apologetic for being so demanding in my approach.  I really had been very demanding yelling at them that I want an epidural NOW and I was embarrassed that I’d not been able to cope with the pain.  I really did fall apart with it all and felt incredibly weak.  Now I was trying very hard not to go there again as the contractions increased , I was so very scared.  Not at all scared of the C.Section, scared of the pain of the contractions.  They took some time putting the spinal block in and we were counting down my contractions “this should be your last one”...oops, off I went again..."Now this will be your last one” GOODBYE HORRIBLE CONTRACTIONS!!! Hello wonderful tingling warm legs, heavy, relaxed tired body, easing mind heart and soul.  I was happy again, I was so incredibly relieved and thankful.  I swore at that moment that I will never again labour.  If I were to fall pregnant again I’d book myself in for a C.S without a doubt. 

I knew it’d be painful and that it wasn’t what I’d hoped for but my experience this time was so much more painful than labour should be.  Tim sat by my head as the caesar took place, he held my hand and the realisation we would soon meet our 2nd child fell upon me.  I was calm, the staff were wonderful, I felt well looked after and Tim had warned them that my blood pressure went very low last time and I’d lost a lot of blood.  They gave me medication to help with this and I felt much better in so many ways.  We waited patiently, chatted with the anaesthetist about Marley and about how long we’d tried for this baby. 

The procedure took about 20 minutes because I had a lot of scar tissue from the previous caesarian which the Ob cut out and before much longer but after many reminders from me for Tim to have the camera ready, we heard his cry.  Once again, a wonderful wonderful moment that is a real highlight for me.  That moment before you know anything about that baby other than the fact they’re alive and well and on the outside.  Tim and I looked at eachother and began to cry.  Our little man was held up over the curtain and all I could see of him was a very pink and very large scrotum and penis. 


I was delighted to say the least.  Somehow the thought of having a brother for Marley was especially heart warming and I’d had such a strong belief that Sparky was a boy that I wasn’t at all surprised.  He was (is) beautiful and so new to me.  His agpar score was 9 and after his vitamin K and having Tim cut the cord, he was placed across my chest.  Heavenly.  What a glorious feeling to say the least. 

I looked at his eyes, they were different to Marley’s, more almond shaped, to me he looked totally different to either Tim or I and surpringly different to Marley.  His hair was dark, that was the biggest surprise and his nostrils flared and wide.  He had Marley’s little chin, similar to his brother but still so different.  I was filled with love for this tiny wee man immediately.  I still couldn’t see his face properly and his eyes were closed unlike Marley who was looking around the place wildly. 

I kissed Remy over and over taking in his beautiful warm soft skin, so very tiny and so perfect in every way.  What a wonderful thing to have waited so long, been through so much pain and agony and to finally have this beautiful little man in my arms, all mine.  A new member of our family to love and cherish.



They took a long time sewing me up and while I was able to hold Remy for quite a while, they eventually sent him off with Tim to be weighed and measured… this was Tim’s time.

I was sent to recovery after that and remained there for about 30 minutes, all the while talking about my beautiful boy and how much I longed to hold him to my breast.  Eventually I was delivered to the ward.  I was itching like crazy, a response to the operation.  Thankfully my legs were still numb and I felt no pain for a while yet. Tim brought Remy to me, the nurse undressed him and placed him on my chest.  I wanted to try the breast crawl with him, enabling our baby to find his own way to my nipple but despite his efforts, I didn’t have the patience in the end and placed him there myself.  He was eager to feed immediately and I was so grateful to see he didn’t have a tongue tie.  It all came back quickly to me with every experience taking me back in time to when Marley was born.  I couldn’t help but think of Marley and make comparisons, although Remy just seemed so different to Marley, a new baby altogether and another truly beautiful little man. 




Tim stayed with me for the biggest part of the day before dropping into work and eventually picking Marley up to meet his brother.  Marley burst into the room saying “OH WOW!!!!!” but I think that was at seeing me in the bed.  Remy was in the crib and it was only when we pointed him out that Marley noticed him. 




Marley said ‘he’s tiny’ and was happy to have a hold of his brother but wasn’t sure what he thought of him.  He gave him a kiss at our request and said ‘ewwww, he’s too tiny!’. 
Marley received a gift from Remy, a Toby windmill which then took all of Marley’s interest.


Since Remy’s arrival we’ve all been through the wringer, not because he’s a difficult child, he’s quite the opposite, a very easy, calm and text book baby.  He’s a beautiful boy, both of my boys are.  It’s more that I felt quite traumatised by the labour and it’s taken me a while to regain my memory and to get my head together.  Healing from the operation has been slow too, especially considering they’d cut away scar tissue and I’ve not been able to take anti-inflamatories.  My tail bone swelled up also with the way Remy was lying and pushing inside of me, so I’ve been very sore and sorry for myself.  Having a new born has been a shock too.  We’d forgotten how much washing there is and simply didn’t have clothes small enough to fit our tiny boy.  Of course this has all impacted on Marley and Tim and thankfully Tim has 6 weeks off as we adjust to our new family of 4.  We’ve had the influx of visitors and things are slowing down now.  My head is clearer, breast feeding is well established and Marley is back into some kind of routine and very accepting of his new baby brother.  He kisses Remy each morning and helps me to get things for the baby.  He’s adapting well now, we all are.

A week after Remy’s birth I stood in the shower deep in thought, reflecting on the huge leap between being pregnant and having a newborn.  I’m eternally grateful for our littlest boy who would have never come to exist had it not been for the help of ivf and the medical intervention that took place the day he was born.  Thank god we were born into this day and age.

I am astounded at the love that I hold for my children and I asked Tim the day Remy was born why I would love him as much as I do when I really don’t know him.  ‘Because he’s your child’, plain and simple.

Motherhood 3 yrs & 5 mths on!

Motherhood has taken on a new shape for me.  I’m now a mother of two; a 3.5mth old and a newborn.  This has been surprisingly difficult for me.  Don’t get me wrong, I knew it’d be hard, but I feel like I’ve been inside a whirly twirly machine that’s spun me around so much that I simply don’t know up from down and my days are melting one into the other.  Today is Remy’s due date, he’s 8 days old and he’s such an easy baby.  Marley is adjusting to having a baby brother, someone to compete with for attention.  He’s doing better each day but has been slow to warm up to his baby brother and with the huge stimulus of hospital visitors, missing his Mumma, visitors, gifts, Dadda being home, a crankier than usual Mumma and a new baby, he’s been through the same whirly twirly machine and has really needed a firm approach.  Difficult for me when I’m physcially still healing from a C. Section and simply can’t lift him.  So my updates will come in 2 parts now. 

Marley 3 yrs & 5 Months old

Marley’s language amazes us.  Yesterday I was teary and Marley asked ‘What’s wrong Mumma?’, I said “I miss cuddles with Marley, I miss you so much Mar” Marley put his hand to my face, wiped away my tears and said “Don’t cry Mumma, I got a idea!!!! Mumma come sit on a couch with Marley a watch Sesame St”. Brilliant suggestion on his part and it certainly cheered me up getting to cuddle with my little man.  It’s clear who was being the nurturer in this interaction, not me.  I’m so proud of my big boy, he’s so clever and has a brilliant sense of humour.  He’s coping pretty well with these massive changes and has developed the most wonderful ability negotiate and if all else fails, debate.  He covers his ears with his hands when we tell him off and he’s quick to cover our mouths with his hands to stop the words coming out in the first place.  He’s cheeky! He has claimed Remy as “Mine brother” and happily helps me with little jobs, running to get nappies, to give messages to Dadda and tries to soothe Remy when he cries by gently ‘shhsss’ing him and rubbing his belly or head.  Marley is tending to be either incredibly helpful or defiant at this point.  He understands so much more these days and is brilliant at communicating his needs now.  He’s a good eater, independent dresser, doesn’t wear nappies at all anymore and his imagination is his biggest tool of play. 

He has extensive phone conversations with family and friends and his manners are outstanding.  He says things like “Sorry?” when he can’t hear what someone says.  He has such a good understanding and good memory for things.  I heard him count backward from 10 the other day and I regularly hearing singing songs in a really good tone for his age.  He makes up songs and adores it when I do the same.  He has little tunes that go with different things, for example he hums a tune he’s made up each and every time he plays with my necklace.  It’s the same tune and he hums it only when he plays with my necklace, funny boy.  I really am keen to see how his relationship with Remy develops. I wish I could bottle this time, it’s magical.

Remy 8 days old

Remy is a gentle soul.  An excellent feeder and generally a calm and easy baby.  He was born a tiny 6lb 5oz, 48.5cm long and via emergency C. Section after being in a posterior...birth story to follow shortly.  At 4 days he rolled from his stomach to his back, this was on the bed and I didn’t quite believe it’d happened so I ignored it thinking perhaps the surface wasn’t entirely flat.  Two later (6 days of age) he rolled without doubt and I was able to catch it on video.  He did the same again the next day and we have been totally amazed by this.  He feeds like a champion and had put on 70g in 2 days and then 2 days later he’d put on another 100g! So, he’s certainly thriving on my breast milk which is a huge relief for me.  I really wanted to breast feed and am just so pleased to have an obviously good milk supply.  I was able to express 120ml 2 nights ago and then went on to feed him straight after, so there’s no question my milk supply is good.  I dreamt of how it would feel to hold my new baby to my breast and to explore his tiny hands, feet, his entire body.  I am loving this time with my littlest man, learning who he is and feeling so much motherly love for both of my children.  Sparky is easily contented and generally only cries if he’s hungry, has wind or has a dirty nappy.  He sleeps for a couple of hours at a time and feeds for 5-20 mins each feed.  Most of my time is spent trying to burp him as he tends to overfill on milk to the point of having milk come out of his nostrils.  He started to choke on milk and mucus the other night and this is apparently due to the fact that my milk is so abundant and he is getting too windy with gulping it down. 
I can’t believe how much and how intensely I love him.  I wonder how it is that all he has to do is exist and I love him unconditionally.  I could just stare and stare at him and every little sound he makes, every windy smile and every time he purses his lips I smile.  I love that he looks so much like Marley but is still so different to Marley.  He has darker hair and more hair, he has a finer featured face and more almond shaped eyes.  He is truly a beautiful little man and I cannot believe how lucky I am to have my 2 gorgeous little men whom I just love with all of my heart.  I’m so lucky.

Motherhood 3 yrs & 4 mths on!

Oh what a lad.  Funny funny boy that he is.  Marley’s expressive use of language and imagination is very funny, we’re well entertained.  I think this is the way things just are now, just that he’s funny, musical, imaginative, confident and strong willed and there’s no changing any of that, not that I’d want to anyway.  He’s lovely but not always.  When overtired he becomes a little monster.... an expressive little monster but even that mostly manages to put a smile on our faces. 

I’ve been dreading sending him back to child care, not because he doesn’t like it but that I will (and do) miss him.  I’ve really enjoyed our precious one on one time together and with the baby’s due date so near, I know the family dynamic is about to change so dramatically.  Of course it’ll be a wonderful change but I can’t help but feel a little nostalgic about this precious time with my baby boy, I just love him so much more than words can say.  I can’t believe I’m so close to having our 2nd baby and can’t help but feel guilty for Marley that his world is about to change; although I’m certain he will adore his baby brother or sister.

Marley is very social, confident, and loving.  He makes me incredibly proud as I watch him interact with other children, managing a balance between being quietly gentle and a self assured leader.  He isn’t drawn into conflict but isn’t afraid of it either.  He’s both noisy and quiet, easy and difficult, interactive and a loner.  He loves to play cricket, tennis, football, anything sporty really.  He loves to sing and dance and enjoys stories and is wildly imaginative in his play.  He especially likes to play alongside his Mum and Dad and endeavours to engage adult interaction in whatever he does but is happy to play alone as well.  He’s going to love having a little brother or sister and will be a wonderful big brother.  This is such an exciting time.  I wonder if I will post again before baby Sparky arrives?